Day 20 - Things are getting weird

Yesterday, at the end of my post, I wrote, "I am seeking compassion." And then I deleted it. I thought it was too random of a thought to share. I believed that I was getting too cosmic-y and might lose you, so I erased it.

I am surprised how quickly this yoga challenge has changed from physical to emotional/spiritual. I started out wondering how much muscle I would build, how much flexibility I would gain, whether my waistline would shrink and now I don't even recognize myself! And that unfamiliarity has little to do with how I look. 've always been a thoughtful person, honestly. If you get me away from the noise and chaos, my true colors will shine right on through but they have been dulled. It's the times, right? We're all going through it these days. One on one, most of us rise to the occasion, however, it's the "group think" that brings us down. The onslaught of political news, bad news, non-news, TMZ, celebrity gossip, magazines, etc. always giving us the "mono-thought nonsense" is too much. I know I've gotten out of touch with my true self, that part of me that thinks and feels deeply.

Anyway, back to compassion. The Universe has led me to this word and somehow I got it in my mind that Bikram yoga was going to teach me compassion or help me remember it. Intuitively, I believed that suffering in that hot box for 90 minutes would do this. Then I received today's "Bikram Yoga Daily Dose of Inspiration":

"Most Americans are like psycho-problem.
I don't want to talk about psycho-problem.
I want to talk about locking the goddamn knee." - Bikram Choudhury

"If the thigh muscles remain slack, you will create unnecessary compression in the knee joint, eventually causing damage. When you engage the quadriceps femoris muscles, the tendons and and ligaments of the knee become active and pull bone away from bone, strengthening and rehabilitating the joint. This is a strong example of why concentration is so important to practicing Hatha Yoga and successfully healing the body.

"What's more, if you cannot lock the knee, you won't ever find Self-Realization. People say I am a hard-ass teacher, and it's true. But in this yoga class and in life, you have to experience hell on Earth so that you may eventually reach heaven. Struggle instills discipline, so we can begin to control our minds. Suffering breeds compassion. It sounds simplistic, but until you've actually stood on your own leg with your knee safely and powerfully locked like a solid piece of concrete, truly believing that you don't even have a knee, you won't be able to find inner peace, love and happiness. This is why I always have to scream at my students to push them toward this goal. I tell my students, "When you die, I will jump up and down on your grave shouting, 'Lock the damn knee!'

This is BIG stuff! I was in turmoil because I thought God had left me. I thought that I was disconnected from Source Energy and then this message comes! I have been seeking Self-Realization since the 10th grade! As soon as I learned about Maslov's Hierarchy of Needs, I've wanted Self-Realization (actualization)! That triangle was seared onto to my psyche. It's one of the few concepts that I remember from all my years of education.

It's time for sleep!